I am a Douche Bag

While the sky is falling in Cincinnati and many are (rightly) calling for the head of Bob Bratkowski...only because the owner cannot be fired or removed and we feel the need to blame someone, the dominant realization that I came to while watching the 2008 Bengals opener yesterday is this:

I am a douche bag. 

This might have been in the back of my mind over the years while watching this football team but never  has my douchebagedness been felt so much before.  Why am I a douche bag?  Well, hopefully it is limited to the content of this article.  I suspect there are arguably other reasons why I am a douche bag but I do not go tanning, I do not pop my collar and I like to think that I have as little in common with this dude as possible.  My douchebaggery is not related to generally acting sweet by talking about "crushing it" or "dominating" the weekends.  Rather, I am a douche bag because I am an enormous Bengals fan.  We don't need to rattle off the stats.  They are on the sides of the home page here at WDR.  Look, right now...see how bad it is.  That's right, 0 playoff wins in the last 17 years.  What, may you ask, does this have to do with me? 

Well, let me elaborate on why I'm a superdouche.  Despite the organization that I choose to root for demonstrating complete and utter incompetence over the years, I have chosen to do the following:

-Over the past 10 years, I have either purchased or been given as a present 5 Bengals jerseys. 

-Last year, I went all the way to Seattle (from New York City) to watch the Bengals lose and get hazed by Seahawks fans who are surprisingly hostile despite the snobby coffee drinker stereotype that is currently in your head right now. 

-This year, apparently deciding that last year's experience was not sufficiently enough of a kick in the nuts, I've decided to make the trip to the Bengals vs. Dallas Cowboys game (at Dallas) because...you know, I should be going to the hardest game of the year for us, right?  And why wouldn't I pay for a hotel room, airfare, marked up tickets on e-Bay and a rent-a-car and fly four hours to watch T.O. show Chad Johnson that you should actually be the best player at your position to pull certain sh*t off.  It looks a lot cooler.  But I'm getting carried away.  This isn't about Chad being a douche bag.  This is all about me.  Back to my douchebaggery...

-For some ridiculous reason, I live in New York City AND am a Bengals season ticket holder.  This makes zero sense...fiscally or otherwise.

-Along with Comrade Bienemy and another friend, we put forth a significant amount of effort towards establishing a bar in Manhattan where 100+ come together to watch Bengals games in New York City.

-I created my own Bengal shoes on www.nikeid.com.  They are orange and black.  After shipping costs, these were close to $200.  They say "Who Dey" on the back.  They might as well say "Douche Bag".

-Last year at a tailgate before the Steelers game at Paul Brown Stadium, someone was walking around selling bright orange shirts with a middle finger on them that said "F*** Pittsburgh".  I overheard a friend of my father's say "Who in their right mind would buy one of those things?"  I held up my shirt, noted I was ten dollars poorer and said "I did."  You know who else would buy a shirt like that?  A huge douche bag.

-I've said preposterous things before like "I'd take a bullet for Carson Palmer"

-On Sundays in the fall, I don't make any plans because the Bengals are on televison.  Despite living in New York, no matter how nice the weather is, I choose to hole up in the back of a dark bar, knowingly walk into a place where I'll be driven to drink anywhere from 3-10 beers depending on how terrible the Bengals play and how close the game is.  I have forgone the opportunity to develop as a person on these Sundays and instead have spent money on consumable goods every Sunday in football season for as long as I can remember.  All this while wearing orange Nike's that say "Douche Bag" "Who Dey" on the back.

-I don't plan my vacation schedule until the NFL schedule comes out because again, for some inexplicable reason, I am a Bengals season ticket holder and find the need to go to 2 home games a year to justify this. 

-I will engage in conversations with non-Bengals fans about how much the Bengals suck and how often we get arrested knowing very well that it will end with me becoming more angry in that moment.

-Like many other Mondays in the fall, despite knowing what happened yesterday and how disgusting it was, I've read numerous articles for the analysis.  Like I need any analysis.  How's this?  "We played like a wet fart."  That took 6 words and 1 second.

-I encourage my girlfriend to watch Bengals games with me.  She is from L.A.  She had no allegiance to this franchise...until now.  She's been watching since 2006 and has become sucked in.  I am responsible for this.  I am ashamed.  I am ashamed and a douche bag.

There are likely many more squibs that could be applicable to this article.  And there are likely many other Bengals fans like me that feel like huge douche bags.  The analysis of why we engage in this behavior is not hard to follow:  We love football.  We love the NFL.  We were born in a city with a professional football franchise (and unfortunately for football purposes, not the one an hour and a half west).  We enjoy tailgating with friends and watching the games with large masses.  Unfortunately, our football team is notoriously bad.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself and those like me.  I'd like to personally thank Mr. Brown on behalf of anyone else feeling like I am today and on countless other times on and after Sundays for making each of us feel like an enormous douche bag. 

Comments

[Sleeping With Bieniemy]

My friend and I made custom jersey's with our fourth string tight end's (now cut) name on the back just cause we went to school with him. I am a douche bag.

[Andrew Simon]

I run the Who Dey DC bar, write for a blog on the Bengals and am also flying to Dallas for the game. I am a douche bag.

[JMo]

I couldn't have said it any better myself. I feel EXACTLY how you are feeling so take solace in knowing that you are NOT alone!!!

I too am a Bengals fan barely 30 years old, just married, season ticketholder of four years and live outside the Ohio area near Philly. I fly out about 3-4 times a season and am being sodomized by endless surcharges, coa's, taxes, preseason tickets etc....

I have loved this team with all of my heart since I was 8. Why? Maybe it was the teams colors who reminded me of my love for the Dukes of Hazzard orange General Lee Dodge Charger. Or was it maybe the cool uniforms? No, no it was the greatest quarterback that has ever walked the face of this earth Boomer Esiason.

6-5, 224 lbs. of southpaw perfection, master of the playaction fake, cannon for an arm, led the team like Patton. I would pull over my logo 7 black bengals jersey in my bedroom barking out signals throwing pillows in the air then running under them and diving on my bed like I was Eddie Brown maiking a miraculous last second catch in the Super Bowl. Dreams as a child that were 34 seconds short of being forever fulfilled.

Now I hang on, but to what? An inept owner who has no clue on how to run a winning a franchise? A team that flat out refuses to beef up scouting and hire a gm? An owner who will only hire within the organazation so he knows that he will never be underminded with an obvious solution? A coach who instills no identity in its defense year after year? Now possibly a franchise quarterback who has lost his desire to lead? Why do I put up with this, why do you put up with this? WHY WHY WHY?

I will tell you. 34 seconds. In our deluded minds there are still 34 seconds on that clock that have somehow never run out. We refuse to think that game is over and so we push on further and further looking for what is rightfully ours. Endless coaches and players have come and gone but it has never changed for us. That clock is still in alot of our hearts and we will never not stop chasing after those 34 seconds.

As bad as the team looked yesterday, as stupid as we feel as fans today, nobody can deny that with the beginning of every season there is a chance. A chance to be champions. A chance to finally let those 34 seconds finally run off the scoreboard of our hearts.

[JMo]

Oh yeah almost forgot......I'm a great big Douchebag.

[Sleeping With Bieniemy]

JMo, too, is a douche bag.

[Sleeping With Bieniemy]

Just kidding JMo. You're cool. Great comment.

[Sleeping With Bieniemy]

Ah, you just beat me to it...damn you JMo, damn you.

[Rich]

I am Spartacus!
Beat this: My son who is 8, born in South Carolina, and has never lived in Cincinnati is a Bengals Douche Bag.
I passed on Bengals Douche Baggedness to a small, innocent child who literally sat in his TJ jersey and cried in my sunday ticket cursed home (I hate directv, but I get it for the Bengals games because I am a douche bag) over a loss by a team he has no geographic loyalty to.
How do you even explain this to a kid?
I am such a fucking Douche Bag!

[94Paladin]

Much the same as Rich.....I live in SC and have infected my kids, ages 5 and 3 with Bengaldom. I too am a douchebag.

[Who Dey NYC]

Well done commenters. We take comfort in knowing that we are not alone. I laughed my ass off at all of the above comments.

[Berre]

The first step is admitting that you are a Benga...Eh, Douche Bag.

I've been known to go tanning my salon. You can often see me with a popped collar, maybe two at the same time if I feel saucy. I kill Red Bull and Vodkas every weekend with a sort of vengeance that only Matt Leinart could understand. I lift weights, not for health reasons, but to be totally badass. Just kidding*... Yet all of these flawed characteristics don't make me a douche bag...

No...The fact that I will be at PBS this Sunday at 8AM, playing cornhole on custom made boards that my grandpa made me, driking cheap luke warm beer and stuffing my face with a wide variety of grilled meats ALL while listening to "Welcome to the Jungle" on repeat make me a GIANT, 30 Gallon Force Flex Bag of Douche.

*I'm not kidding.

[Steven Mayne]

I helped Comrade Simon start the Bengal's bar in DC. I have literally destroyed my liver as I down beer after beer, hanging on every nervous moment of every play in every Bengals' game. But I think the following story best sums up my Bengals douchbaggery:

When I was in college during our marvelous 2-14 season in 2002, we were 0-8. At that time, substitute head coach Dick Lebeau (who subsequently went over to Pittsburgh where his defenses have dominated us) predicted victory against the expansion Texans. I had a study session during the game that I absolutely HAD to go to. I went for 45 minutes of the 3-hour session, but decided I had to sprint home to see the game. When I got home, we were up by several scores. For a brief moment, I didn't care that we were 0-8, the laughing stock of the NFL (ESPN had a commercial at the time with some asshole claiming that Miami University--of Florida--could beat the Bengals). I was so happy.

I, too, am a huge douchebag.

[Andrew Simon]

I would also like to add my douchery extends beyond my unhealthy allegiance to the Bengals because I do crush it and dominate every weekend

[A Pragmatic Bengals Fan]

I have legally imparted my douchebaggery to my son, Carson.

I have otherwise imparted my douchebaggery to my daughter, who in addition to "Go Bucks!" (NOT douchey at all) loves to say "Who Dey."

I injected my wife, who could have cared less about football before the slightly less than casual sports fan she married started a Bengals Blog and is paying the Sunday Ticket fee to watch a mess every Sunday afternoon, with my douchebaggery and I was never prouder of her than when she called me during the playoff game to ask why Kitna was playing instead of Palmer (I was watching over at my Dad's and she had turned the game on late).

You know, until I watched my children be born. Then I was prouder about that at least.

[Rich]

I started to think,in the Dickensian words of Tiny Tim, "God Bless Us, each and every Douchebag."
But then I realized that God gave us free will and a good football team a mere 90 miles away.
And, therefore, surely even God thinks we are douche bags.

[Esiason Forever]

My god... where do I begin...

I was 9 years old when I watched the Bengals first heartbreaking Super Bowl loss to the Niners in SB XVI. I barely knew what football was but I was hooked. At that age, I'm sure it was as much the cool looking tiger-striped helmets as it was the greatness of Kenny Anderson, but I had Bengals fever. Shortly thereafter, my family moved from SW Ohio to upstate NY but my passion for the Bengals never waned. My grandparents mailed me newspaper articles from the Cincinnati papers every week during the season so I could follow my team before the advent of the internet and 6 different channels of all sports, all the time TV. And then came Norman Julius Esiason (and JB and Eddie and Fulcher... and even Ickey). And then came SB XXIII. And those previously mentioned 34 seconds. And the hollow place in my soul that has been left void for the past 19 years... that I've been trying to fill by continuing to support this team. I moved back to the Cinci area after high school. I've gone to the training camps at Wilmington and now Georgetown. I've had season tickets for the last 6 years. I own custom-made orange and black Nike shoes. I own (and wear to every game) an authentic Boomer Esiason jersey (and yes, an authentic Akili Smith jersey hangs quietly, alone in the back of my closet). The den and guest bathroom in my house are painted Bengals orange with a myriad of Bengals pictures, posters, trinkets adorning the walls and shelves. And a lesser known fact even to my friends... even though I've never collected football cards in general, I spent a few years in the late 90's (sparked by Boomer's messiah-like Bengals comeback in '97, a possible new beginning squelched by Mike Brown's unwillingness to offer enough money to keep him from being lured away to the MNF booth) trolling eBay and amassing a collection of over 250 different Boomer Esiason football cards which I keep in protective sleeves in a binder in my den. I TOO AM A DOUCHEBAG!

[Andrew Simon]

I just realized I am even more of a d-bag. I bought a car, got DC plates, and then put the plates on my car using a Bengals license plate holder. I am such a dbag.

[Josh Hart]

I just bought a plane ticket to go to Cincy this weekend to watch the Bengals get beat by Kerry Collins, Albert Haynesworth and the Tennessee Titans. I am a douchebag.

[MuseoBengal]

I live in Indianapolis. I went to the preseason game in Lucas Oil in my orange Shayne Graham jersey and cheered for the Bengals. I am going to the MNF game on Dec. 7 in the same jersey, cheering for the same team.

I am a douchebag.

[ryan]

(tear slowly falling from one eys)Comrades I, too, share in your douchebaggery

[katie]

i grew up with michelle munoz, anthony's daughter. i have been a hopeless bengals fan since i he read a book about football to my first grade class.

i even lived in a third world country without tv for three years and cursed the play-by-play on espn.com.

i am, sadly, a lady douchebag.

[David Klingler]

Wow, you guys are a bunch of douches.

[Nate]

I was beginning to worry that I was one of the few dumbass Bengals Douchebags left. My douchebaggery started when I was 7 years old sitting in my Bengals replica helmet. I was crying for a half hour after watching Montana slice through the "SWAT TEAM" and hit J Taylor in the end zone to end our only hope to be World Champions. Before Sunday Ticket came along, this Douchebag and my younger brother would pray that somehow the game would be sold out and wouldnt be Blacked Out so we could watch it on TV. Our douchebaggedness was passed on from our dad who we sucked back into being a fan again in 2004. We drug him to his first game in 10 years that year after he swore off the team. I have the picture of me (douchebag) in a Bengals Parka, My Brother (douchebag) in a Bengals Cape, and my Dad with his mustache painted half orange and half black framed on a shelf in my bedroom. My sister lives in Sacramento and has Sunday Ticket and suffers through every game in a CJ jersey. She had a boy last year and we all said that she couldnt turn him into a douchebag Bengals fan. But - I couldnt help myself and sent him a toddler CJ jersey for his 1st bday... Besides dragging my dad back in and screwing over my Nephew, I talked my best friend into buying a "Bread Truck" and have my mom spend 2 weeks painting a jungle scene on it for tailgating. I still cant turn the F'ing games off until there is 0 on the clock.. I am a douchebag

[T. Douglas]

I live in denver and wear a bengals polo to work on casual fridays, hang a bengals banner from my front porch all year long, have bengals floormats in my car, make - what i believe at the time to be reasonable wagers over the bengals performance each week with co-workers - only to be laughed at when i get into the office on monday, make my girlfriend suffer through games on sunday, pay directv for sunday ticket only to almost break my tv by throwing the remote at it in disgust, refrain from making plans on sundays during the nfl season and for what??? to be bent over by p. brown and family every sunday as i watch the franchise i love continue their legacy as the perennial cellar-dwellers of the nfl year-after-year.

I am a douchebag.

[Nick]

I am a first year law student, and probably should spend my time studying. You know, thats kind of important I hear. Instead, I watch this crappy team on Sunday Ticket (great use of Financial Aid money). In addition to hopefully being a lawyer, this makes me a douchebag.

[Bear Fan MIke]

I am not a douche bag. I am a Bears fan and we kicked the crap out of the team 90 miles east of you douche bags, whom you revere as if they were in some way godly. I come to work every Monday and tear my douche bag co-worker a new one. That same douche bag coworker sent me this link and now I've gotten to laugh at how many miserable Bengal loving douches there are out there. I've enjoyed listening to you miserable douche bags cry about how lousy your team is almost as much as I enjoyed beating the Colts.

I am Mike I am not a douche bag.

Thanks douche bags

[Paul Katz]

I wasn't aware that WDR was a big support group where you could swap life stories and hug each other while sobbing silently.

[Bglove25]

I have been attending Bengals games at the Who Dey bar in DC for 2 years. I usually start strong, watch a game or to, then never come back for fear of my blood pressure rising to high. I'm the one, sitting at the bar, screaming like a fucking maniac for someone to make a GODDAMN tackle.

My first Bengals memory was asking if we had won the game at a family super bowl party in 89. I was four. I was disappointed but I thought they'd be back next year... and I haven't given up hope since. This makes me a douchebag.

[Posolxstvo the First]

Although I am not a Bengals fan (I won't mention the team that I am a fan of, as that will surely get me moderated off), I ran across your posting here, and applaud your quest. And wish you all the luck in the world with your revolution.

[34 Seconds......]

We all are just members of the DB fraternity: our founding father: Lewis Billups, enough said.....

[Treats Foreman]

I followed the game on Sunday at a funeral on my phone via gamecast... Label me douche. I also put forth the effort to text Winn Parry during the game... a fellow king douche.

Who Dey Burger Please.

[ocho douche]

A few years ago I had an old college roomate living out in St. Louis. He invited me and some others to come out and rock new years then drive to kansas city to watch the playoff-bound bengals. At the time I was in a 2.5 year relationship that was on the rocks. I went to the game instead of patching things up and when I got back to Ohio, I got broken up with. I am a huge douche bag

[Nick]

Wow, Ocho Douche might have just knocked the bar up a couple knotches. My dog wears a Bengals collar. My dog is a Douche and doenst even know it.

[HGP2]

LMFAO!

Can I have a hallelujah! I realized I was a douche bag when I was going to the bar every Sunday in Connecticut, and instead of asking them to put on the Bengal game I'd ask about whoever they were playing!

Hehe....my wife continually reminds me of my douchebagedness (and I'm trying to convince my sons to follow me, but sadly they seem to be showing some common sense not visible in their father).

[JohnM]

From a recent Cincinnati native transplanted to Denver...

What kills me is that it was so easy to embrace the Rockies and forsake the Reds, yet I can't do the same with the Bengals. (I had embraced the Rockies almost immediately, although the whole World Series thing didn't hurt.) Both the Reds and the Bengals are in about the same position, neither has won a playoff game/series since I was a child and both have brought year after year of irrational hopes and unprecedented quantities of disappointment. Isn't Carson Palmer the second coming of Ken Griffey Jr? So much talent but will never see a Championship game anywhere except from the comfort of the living room? Yet I'm stuck with the Bengals. They are always losers, but not in the fun Chicago Cubs kind of way, but rather the neighbor kid that is 3 years younger than you pushing your face into a pile of dogshit every Sunday kind of way. It's obviously an addiction and there needs to be a rehab for it. We spend tons of money feeding it and all we get out of it is feeling worse than the day before. Every Sunday is worse than the one before it. Every Sunday that you see a Bengals fan is the worst Sunday of that fan's life. (I would throw Monday in there but it's not like the NFL would waste another prime time game on these losers) Even with the occasional win, all it accomplishes is the rekindling of that microscopic spark of hope that maybe this is the turning point, only to be doused with a fire hose the following week by 250+ yards & 2 touchdowns by a backup QB making his first ever NFL start.

What can I say? I can't see the 2008 season as being anything but an inevitable "rock bottom" for me. If there isn't a major shake up of players and front office during or after this season, I have no choice but to jump ship. I cannot continually punish myself and continue to pay money to do so for much longer. I am a broken fan with little left to give.

[Go Steelers!]

Man, you all make me glad I was born in Pittsburgh. Looking forward to 10/19 already!

[John Bauer]

Thank you all for letting me realize that I am a giant douche bag. I have watched the Bengals since i started playing football at 6. Cried when they lost and began my vast collection of Bengals football cards, which I still have in the old football binder locked away for safe keeping.(tear) I have just bought a house and well lets say my basement is half Buckeyes(wife is alumn) and the rest are my autographed pictures, bengal towels, blankets, pillow and probably about as much douche bag stuff in it as possible. I have 7 Bengals jerseys(Palmer,CJ,Rudi, Woods, Esiason, Fulcher(signed)and (tear for my douche baggery)a KiJana Carter) and yes i do change them when they are playing bad in hopes to turn the game around. I have reveled in what i now know is football douche baggery for going on 25 years now. I think im going to start a Cincinnati Douche Bag Supprort Group now.....(and cry myself to sleep)

[Hi5Steeler]

I somehow feel PARTLY responsible for your pain and douchebaggeddyness.If there is anything we dey can do, please let us know.

~Pittsburgh Steeler Fan Hi5Steeler

[signplax]

It's often a difficult thing coming to grips with the reality that the team you follow, the team you cheer for day after day, year after year, the team you think has what it takes really sucks.

Sorry, I am not a Bengals fan, but instead I'm hardcore Steelers fan. Been that way since 1972.....I'm an addict to Steelers football. I feel for you guys, I really do. Just when it appeared you were turning the corner, some of your felons started acting up and the next thing you know you're staring up at the Steelers from the basement again.

Maybe the basement isn't such a bad place. I mean hell, I've seen some really nice basements in my day. Pool tables, big screen tv's...a bar. But there's always that stigma....."let's go down to the basement." There's something negative about it. Like you're not good enough to inhabit the upper floors of your house, so you have to go down to the basement.

Your performance against the lowly and offensively challenged Ravens spoke volumes. I thought you guys were a .500 team this year, but shit was I wrong. You're looking down the barrel of a 5-11 season. Good news is you get another high draft pick. Bad news is you still have the same idiots in management, and they'll surely pick another problem child who will flash his genitals to a school bus and get arrested during preseason.

There's a couple options:

1. Cyanide
2. Sleeping pills
3. Noose/stool combo (basement)

Or if you want to do something a little less drastic, may I suggest you start following a new team. Say a team that has 5 SB rings and has the talent to get the 6th real soon.

Whatever you decide, keep this famous quote by Casey Kasem in mind "Keep your feet on the ground but keep reaching for the stars." Feel better you douchebags?

[Bungals Truly Suck]

You're an even bigger douche than you think because NYC is filled with Steeler fans. So many Steeler bars here dominated by the biggest and best fan base in football.

You're a douche for buying into the Carson Palmer media hype, and believing he's even half fit to carry a real QB like Roethlisberger's jock. Which he isn't.

You're a douche because when you fly into Cincinnati, you're really flying into Kentucky. Kentucky! Ha ha ha!

Who dey gonna douche dem Bengals?

[Winn Parry]

There is no escaping the fact that we are all douchebags. We cheer on the worst professional franchise of all time. For this reason, and also because I wear a 1980's see-through mesh Bengals jersey without an undershirt, I am one humongous douchebag.

[HIVStiller]

Yu gUYs are teh SuxORS!!!!!!!

[Steve-O]

hello, my name is Steve-O and yes, I am a douchebag. Week after week. Year after year. I subject myself to the false hope that perhaps our so-called high-powered offense will kick it into gear at catapault us to greatness. Yet every week at around 4pm eastern standard time, my hopes and dreams are thoroughly crushed. I live about 45 minutes north of New York City, and am surrounded by numerous Giants, Jets, and even Patriots fans, who all point, stare, laugh, taunt, and throw things in my general direction each sunday at my local establishment. I am delusional. I tell everyone I encounter that this is our week, we will thoroughly crush and dominate (like you should on saturday nights at the bars) each opponent we face. Yet every monday I am forced to face those to whom I flaunted my Who Dey powers to, hanging my head in shame.

My Dad, who still lives in Cincinnati, even told me to get a new team. He said they're losers, and I'm a loser too for rooting for them, week in, week out. I suppose when you're own father calls you out as being a loser, then you qualify as a douchebag. My name is Steve-O, and yes, I'm a douchebag. Thank you for your time.

[johnnyhollywood]

live in LA + attend several games a year + license plate holder + salt and pepper shakers + fat head + rug + ps2 controller + (4 jerseys + 5 tees + 1 jacket) + sunday ticket = douchebag

[Amber]

Where is the Who Dey bar in DC? My husband and I just moved here and need to be around people who understand our affliction. Last week we ended up in a bar surrounded by Steelers fans who mocked us endlessly. It made me ill.

We will be the douchebags in the Boomer and Munoz jerseys, since we can't let go of the memory of a time when it was safe to cheer for our team without bags over our heads.

[A Pragmatic Bengals Fan]

When did our self-help group become a free pass for jackass Steeler fans to come and kick us while we're down? Is this okay?

How is it that Steeler fans are so proud of their fanhood when they've never really had a challenge to it? When your team has four superbowl rings plus a gift from the zebras, is a well-run and proud organization with an owner who actually COULD find his posterior with a flashlight, and the only really tough thing they have to deal with is "mascot" tha'ts an odd tribute to the coach who cashed in his chips a year after he finally got that gift-wrapped ring with a name as homoerotic as Steely McBeam?

What's the challenge in that? Stinkin' easy-road-taking Stiller fans. It takes a real commitment, loyalty, and a dogged tenacity against giving up to be a fan of a franchise as inept and failure-ridden as this one.

[Andrew Simon]

Amber - Who Dey DC is at Bottom Line. Email us at whodeydc [at] gmail [dot] com.

APBF - it's best to just not respond. And this "commitment, loyality and dogged tenacity" you speak of? Clearly a result of your douchiness. Lets get back to the topic at hand.

[Scott Simons]

if my daughter (2yrs old) sees the colors orange and black together anywhere, she starts screaming Who Dey at me. my douchebaggedness is so rich that it has spread to someone who is only 80% accurate in pooping in the potty. i and my entire family are d-bags

[James Mixson]

I moved from SC to Cinci and became sucked into the unholy void that is Bengals fervor. Now I watch every game sitting in the stands, usually with my head on my hands, shaking in disbelief. I proudly fly a Bengals flag at my house and own two jerseys (Peter Warrick and Justin Smith ), probably a dozen hats/visors and assorted stuff. I do believe that I will change the #80 jersey to "DoucheBag!"

Isn't there a 12-Step program for Douchebags like us?

[REW]

All this douchebaggery is taking a depressing turn. Remember the Alamo-Riverfront! Turn your douchebaggedness into RAGE and revolt against the tyranny of Mike Brown. You say your a douchebag...I say your a revolutionary, a hero, a believer! I AM A DOUCHEBAG!!!! SCREAM IT LOUD AND PROUD!!!

IF IT IS A BROWN GUN IT DOWN!

[Jason]

I'm a d-bag. If I had the money and an extra room in my house, I'd have a Bengals themed football watching man room complete with Bengals recliners and sofa, Bengals neon signs, Bengals Jerseys, Bengals lamps and maybe a FatHead. This may also be the year I finally get my own custom black & orange shoes.

[MikeyRu]

I spend every Sunday at the Chicago Bengal Bar, where 150-200 Bengal fans congregate weekly clad in jerseys and striped pajama pants to watch the Bungles and eat imported Skyline Chili. We collectively sing "The Bengal Growl" after each touchdown. Before the game, the conversation always is about how we have a chance to win this game and how we feel like this is the week. After the game we all bitch about how bad we are and hang our heads in shame. When I see a Bengal fan on the streets, I just shake my head cause I feel bad for him that he has to suffer through this like I do. My name is Mike, and I am a douschebag.

[Southern Illinois Douchebag]

Finally, a place I can call home, a place where I can feel safe among my fellow douchebags. I actually grew up a St. Louis Cardinals fan and when they pulled up NFL stakes and moved west, I had to shop around for another team. But which team? I've never felt an allegiance to the Bears or the Chiefs or even the Colts. They were midwest teams. I kinda followed (I'm ashamed to say) the Browns for a while, but they never really sucked me in either.

Then, on one sunny and bright Sunday afternoon, I saw Boomer play and it was all over but the crying. And I mean that literally cause that's pretty much all I've doing ever since. I was sucked in by the power of the southpaw and his fucking amazing play action pass. Damn you, Boomer! You've cursed me forever as I stick with this team through thick and thin. I'm doomed to roam in a desolate NFL landscape like a pathetic ghost.

Oh, I remember how excited I was the day I could finally buy the Directv football package. I would finally be able to watch a game on TV. Live on television and everything! Somehow I wasn't even that upset when I watched this team take a big, steaming crap on the field each and every week. I had hope and wore my cap with pride. I took my abuse from friends and acquaintances but, dammit, I soldiered on. "Next year," I replied! "Just wait. Next year HAS to be better!" I hung in through Shula, I hung in through LeBeau, I hung in through Coslet and Akili Smith and Ki-Jana Carter and every other horrific turd that Mike Brown tried to polish, package and sell us.

How wrong I was; we haven't gotten better. Mike Brown is still selling us that now-moldy piece of previously polished shit, and there I sit, like a ginormous douche, taking it week after week. Some days I wonder how long I'll hang in with this sad excuse of a professional sports team. Most days, I wonder what our coaching staff and owner will cook up to make us an even bigger laughingstock than before. But every day, I wonder if I'm quite insane. I always crawl back--every Sunday--for more abuse. And like many other douchbags here, I too have infected my family. They watch the games and wear Bengals shirts out in public and pay attention to the score. I've shared this insanity with them.

I wonder if I should be brought up on charges or something.

I'm a complete and utter douche.

[don]

The Bengals ARE the doucebags, us fans are just unwitted , stupid , idoits of a Mike Brown experiment , that seemed to work on thousands of doucebags. Congradulations....Mike Brown. I prefer not to call myself a doucebag, rather Id like to address myself as a fucking idiot that fell into Mikey Browns snare. Im a fucking idiot!!!! Thousands of dollars have been spent on this horseshit. Im sick over it. Welp, no more, no more season tickets after this year. Ive had it, had it to my nuts.Quess though that I do qualify as a doucebag...a stupid fucking idoit of sorts , but still a douce. Will never happen to me again, WHAT 25 years now and going strong, Mike Brown is?????????????????

[Big Joe]

Comrade Simon and Steve, i am a Douchbag as well.

originaly from upstate NY, i moved to DC about 9 yrs ago. i got the Sunday ticket starting out in 02 boy, that was a great way to spend my sundays, at 2-14 and to our great ride in 05 when i went to my first bengals home game for the playoffs....

every sunday, i leave WV and ride 90 min to the bar in DC. im the first one at the bar, usualy about 11am, i bring my 10' high pole flag and a nice 3x5 Who Dey flag and set them up every week. i am still looking to buy one of those BIG inflatable football guys and paint him orange and black.

so yes, i am a Douchbag

[Roberth Johansson]

I love the Bengals.
I'm born and I live in Sweden. I have never been in Cincinnati, never lived in any american city and never even been over the atlantic. In Sweden 75% of the population doesn't know what american football (football is what you stupidly call soccer, but that's another discussion) is and even fewer who the Bengals are. With this surrounding I love american football and the Cincinnati Bengals. I stream the games in poor quality just to be able to see them live and the download a HD version to see the game again. I have even painted my living room in orange and black and got a big orange couch in there to. All my friends who have NO interest in american football knows who the Bengals are and they can see on me if they won or lost their latest game (I'm getting sick of being in a bad mood all the time)! Why the bengals you say... Well it's a combination of Palmer, T.J., the colors and uniform and that I started getting really interested in american football in 2005 (yea it wasn't a good introduction to the Steelers!) and the Bengals was playing pretty good that season.

I'm a douch bag. There are Bengal douch bags in europe to!

[Flash]

I am a douche bag.

Season ticket holder since 1990.

Why God, why?

[TJ]

I grew up in Dayton, OH and at 8 years old was forever branded a douche by witnessing Stanford Jennings' kickoff return for a TD in SuperBowl XXIII. That was 20 years ago and now living in Pittsburgh, I'm seasonally reminded of my douche bagness by the black and gold bandwagon who never seem to run out of smack points year after year after year after year. But in true douche fashion, every Sunday I engage in the self crotch-kicking behavior you all know too well. Wearing #9 out in public during football season the last two years has become a gauntlet of shame. When will it end?!!! Keep your head up fellow Bengals fans! ...I mean douche bags. Glad to know I'm not the only one left.

[Ian Sheckels]

I am a douchebag. All of you out there who wanted the Bengals to go 0-16 are not douchebags. A real d-bag, like me, look at the person sitting next to them after they won there first game and said we could go 8-8 and maybe make the playoffs. Real douchebags are dillusional, and really think that at some point Mike Brown might start to care enough about winning, and not money, to hire people that would make this team better. GM? Scouts? Even though we know it will never happen. Real douchebags hate only two people more that Mike Brown. Hines Ward and Joe Montana.

[Derek Lutz]

I am married to a female douche bag. She wears a different Bengals shirt each week believing one of those horribly ugly orange and black rags will change the teams fortune. She has Bengals jackets, jerseys, sweats, banners, necklaces and various feather boas she wears to games during the season. She is a season ticket holder with her brother, also a douche bag who wears a Bengals shirt to every family event.

She owns a Super Bowl tumbler that has moved with us at least five times, cracking on one move causing a massive meltdown and argument over who broke the coveted drinking vessel. We still have it, broken and sitting on a shelf in our bedroom.

Every time the Bengals win one game she insists its the turning point and the playoffs are a sure thing post haste.

She made me use up a number of favors to get Madieu Williams to speak at our son's school. This remains her crowing achievement as a member of the PTA, although she did nothing, I did the work.

She needed a signed football from Marvin Lewis for a school auction. Guess who went with ball in hand to get if for her? Me. She's dragged me into her douchey-ness and I'm a Steelers fan.

And that is where my bright spot glows, our oldest son came out of the womb a Steelers fan too. She takes him to one game a year, you know which one. He wears his black and gold gear with pride, knowing his team will leave PBS with a win. He's never seen them lose there. He's partied in the aisles with the Steel City Mafia while his orange and black clad mother waited patiently for him to finish getting his picture taken.
He wears a black and gold jester's hat just to poke fun at all the douches and the F-Pittsburgh shirts who are left to mope and drag themselves to their cars after another Pittsburgh victory at Heinz Field West.

As for our other son, he's a Cleveland fan, so I'm guessing he's brain damaged in some way.

Thanks for this great opportunity to write about my wife and kudos on a terrific website. Good luck with the billboard effort, alas, I will not be donating any money to the cause as we Steeler fans love Mike Brown.

[JAYBOZ]

I moved to Atlanta from Cincinnati (where I grew up) almost 2 years ago now, and was hoping that'd be the catalyst that would set me free from being a Bengals fan. After much effort, many false starts, I found that I cannot quit being a Bengals fan and have accepted my fate. I am therefore a hot steaming pile of douche in a bag. I am . . . Douchey McDoucherson. My testicles won't even look me in the eye anymore.

I gave $20 to you guys today, but will give another $100 if you'll give me the address to Mr Pop-a-colar in the picture at the beginning of your article. I'd simply like to burn off his tat with a hot iron, and shove his moron hat, and sassy-gay pink shirts back into his dresser - and by dresser I mean a$$!

God have mercy on a douchey Bengals fan . . .

[Striped Sox]

Comrades, I too am a Douchebag.

For a brief bit of background about myself :

I grew up on the West Side of Cincinnati, and after a taking a five year detour in Boston for university, I am now reporting to you from deep behind enemy lines, in the foulest, vilest, most unholy of places -- Pittsburgh, PA. I have been here the past (painful) six and a half years or so.

In no particular order, I'll enumerate the reasons why I'm a Douchebag :

* I keep doggedly rooting (somewhat obnoxiously, on occasion) for this inept organization no matter what.
The only way that I can ever see myself ending my misery is if the Bengals leave Cincinnati. Then they're somebody else's problem. Unfortunately, I would probably start cheering for some other hopeless NFL organization because frankly, that's what I'm used to. (I'm looking at you Detroit and/or Cleveland!)

* I am right now staring at a framed picture of Marvin Lewis and a signed picture of a Rudi Johnson on my cubical walls.

* I use a Terrible Towel as my dishrag

* I can see (and hear) Heinz Field from my patio. Furthermore, I can clearly hear all of those bleating Yinzers and the awful music emanating from within.. and I hate it.

* Recently, at a University of Pittsburgh tailgate, I was introduced as 'the fan of that 1 and 8 team' to which I smugly replied 'Hey asshole, I'm a fan of that _ONE_ and eight team!'

* People ask me where I was when 'Big Ben' had his utterly retarded, helmet-less accident (implying I was driving the car)

* It broke my heart when we released Willie Anderson.

* My mom is a Douchebag, but a douchebag of an entirely different sort. When she moved to Boston twelve years ago, she immediately jettisoned the Bengals for the Patriots. Me? Oooooo no. (Did I mention that my mom is smarter than I am?)

* For the past three years I have had a standing bet with a friend (a tolerable Steelers fan -- a rarity) that goes as follows :

If the Bengals go further in the playoffs than the Steelers, said friend has to throw a playoff party in the Bengals' honor, affix a Fathead of the winner's choosing to their living room, and toast the winner's team with a hearty 'Huzzah!' (you can't skimp on the 'Huzzah', its key) -- as you all know, I was a chip shot field goal away from inflicting this embarrassment on my friend two seasons ago, but of course, being a Bengals fan... you know how it goes.

However, if things go the other way around... guess who's putting a Steelers Fathead on their living room wall and hosting a party?

Guess who also doesn't do any sort of handicapping on this bet?

'WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU ACCEPT SUCH A STUPID BET???/?', you ask?

'I'm a Douchebag' is the answer.

(for reference, the Fathead that I had to put up last year, and will have to put up again this season, is Hines Ward. Have I mentioned how much I _hate_ Hines Ward? That guy is the biggest fucking overrated faggotron (next to Awfulthlisberger) in the NFL. I wish Ray Lewis would just shoot the guy already.)

* I'm actually optimistic at the beginning of every season

* Well, at least I have the Reds, right? Oh wait...

If you see a guy walking around Pittsburgh in a WDR tee shirt, that's probably me. (Yinzers, kindly don't aim for my head with whatever you're going to throw at me. It should apparent that I have enough brain damage as it is. Thanks.)

Please keep up the good work here.

[Storm]

"-Last year, I went all the way to Seattle (from New York City) to watch the Bengals lose and get hazed by Seahawks fans who are surprisingly hostile despite the snobby coffee drinker stereotype that is currently in your head right now. "

lol, I was there and I have to say I was treated with more hostility than I could have ever imagined.

[John Bures [18]]

I live in Japan, so all our games come on around 5 in the morning, and the last games end around 4 in the afternoon. Therefore, all the games I could potentially see are on during school hours.

During school, i choose to wear my 85 jersey, with matching shorts and shoes, and will download applications to watch the game during a web design class. Right as the Bengals lost, the teacher comes over.

"John, what are you doing?", the teacher would ask
"Watching the Bengals lose", but the truthful answer would be "I'm being a Douchebag"

Yes, I'm a douchebag

[Paul Maher]

I travelled all the way from Dublin Ireland to see The Bengals play The Ravens last year and seen them twice this year. Against the Titans and then against the Giants

[fulchersvulcher]

need some sort of a mike brown chant/song, people would catch on...60 fans belting about mike brown, he won't be able to open his eyes on his way to work, or his ears/box at the games

[Jason]

I get up at 7 am to go tailgate, sitting in the parking lot for 4 hours drinking beer and smoking cigars while making fun of opposing teams fans like we are actually better then them. I have black and orange nike shoes to go with my 4 different jerseys I could wear on any given Sundays. I actually think that we are a good team and can win any given week. I wear Bengals gear to work every Friday and every Sunday, I have Bengals who dey license plates. I still believe that the Bengals would have won the Super Bowl had Carson not been taken out. I watch the draft intensely googling the players stats that we take and thinking they are the greatest players to have ever played the game only to find out they were flukes(Akili and Ki-Jana). I think the city of Pittsburgh is similar to being in Hell. The people I hate the most are Mike Brown, Kimo Von Olhoffen, Joe Montana, and John Taylor. I believe after every season that next year is our year to win it all. I too am an enormous Douche Bag.

[JC]

I bought season tickets off eBay this year and paid extra because the seller was offering playoff tickets free of charge as part of the package... I am a big douchebag.

[Alexander]

I live in California and am a huge Douche bag. I always liked the Bengals for many reasons. I always loved their uniforms. I love rooting for talented players like Takeo Spikes who just needed a chance to be on a winning team. I always love rooting for the underdog, and watching as a great team takes shape before my eyes. I love being the only one who saw them coming. I saw it happen with Tampa Bay. I watched them for years, and saw every move from head coach to running back to OL that ended with a Superbowl win, and got to stick it to people who had laughed when I predicted it. I told everyone I know that the Saints and Ravens were going to stop sucking the next year because they were drafting the right players, and they did.
I "knew" that the Bengals were going down the same path when they hired Marvin Lewis and drafted Carson Palmer. I didn't even worry when they let Eric Steinbach go, because they were obviously saving their money for other players like Willie Anderson. When someone asked me what jersey I wanted for my birthday, I said I wanted Bengals colors, and I wore it proudly.
Then this year happened. I saw them bring back bitchy or untalented players while letting character guys who play with passion go because they wouldn't take a pay cut. It began to sink in that this team is not just unlucky, losing player after player to arrest or injury. As Newton said, for every action there is a reaction. Bad ownership=bad team. The bright spots were the exceptions, not signs of things to come.
I just can't do this anymore. I can't give one more penny to one of the most inept and arrogant owners in the NFL. We have been fooled. Hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Led astray. Our faith in this team has been turned against us, and given Mike Brown an excuse to never change anything because "the fans will always be there."
I say "enough." Living near Oakland, I have my own bad team with an inept, arrogant owner who won't relinquish control to contend with. I don't need to go looking for one. I have been a douchebag. But I am going to change. No more will I spend one more minute or dollar to enable the king of the douchebags: Mike Brown.

[Michael Sprague in Southern New Jersey]

Growing up and living in NJ, my dad raised me as an Eagles fan. I gave up on the Eagles so quickly when they lost the Super Bowl to the Wild Card Raiders in 1981. Converted to a new team "with the cool new helmets" and went to the SB the next year. I was 12 years old. Now, pushing 40, I bruise my hands banging on my coffee table in frustration every weekend. I pay $250 a year for the Sunday Ticket to watch these pathetic displays of "professional" football every weekend. I pay ridiculous prices for tickets and hotels to see the first game at Paul Brown Stadium, see the 1st MNF game in Cincy in years, and the first playoff game in just as many years. It hasn't been 100% awful, but with two SB losses in one decade and 18 years of futility with one heartbreaking loss to the FU@%$NG STEELERS in the playoffs, why can't I seem to shake the Bengals as easily as I did the Eagles 27 years ago. God, I am SUCH a DOUCHEBAG!!

[REX SOWARDS]

my son asks me on sunday, please daddy come out side and pass football with me, and i tell him not today son the bengals are playing, then he drops his little head and starts crying, and then i start thinking go man you know there gonna loose, then i here MIKE BROWN say we might win and your gonna miss it, so i stay in the house and watch the game and like allways they loose. and then by the time i realize what i've done its dark and to late to pass ball with my son and i tell him maybe next time son and he tells me NO DAD, BECAUSE YOUR A DOUCHEBAG, AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME ONE BUT I WILL NOT FALL FOR IT YOU DOUCHEBAG BASTARD.

[Kyle]

Imagine a world where Mike Brown sold the team to a real owner in 1991 because he really didn't feel like persuing a career in football. In this world fans like us are still huge douchebags, and probobly bigger douchebags, but at least we'd have a team that made us oblivious to our douchbaggery.
Sometimes I long what it feels like to be a Steelers fan... not because I like the steelers... I hate them with every fiber of my being. But I just would like to know how it feels to be a complete moron and huge douchebag while rooting for a team that usually does consistently decent with 5 super bowl rings in a division with 3 other (incompetant) teams... all the while not realizing what a douche I was being and being able to defend my team.
All real fans of an NFL team are douchebags, but most teams have at least a decent history to where they don't realize it. Us Cincinnati fans aren't distracted by a good team and people calling us assholes all the time that we realize it.
Wouldn't it be just great if the Bengals won the Super Bowl next year, I just want to have that experience of being a true fan of a winning team. Alot of patriots fans are bandwagon fans, I wish that my team could claim bandwagon fans...

[Ian Blackford]

Don't feel too bad guys, I am a Raiders fan and we in the Raider Nation are also douchebags thanks to Al Davis. Time for the Raider Nation to revolt against ownership as well.

[Brian Breitenstein]

The best gift I got last year for Christmas was the Bengals Bobblehead Set from Burgerking. It stands proudly in my living room unaffected by my wife's repeated protests. I thought I was getting a steal in NFL Fantasy Draft when I got Chad, Carson, TJ, and Graham. I unfortunately am in dead last in Fantasy Football, just like my Bengals.

Me = wet squishy douche

[Jeff D.]

I continue to waste my sundays hungover watching the bengals which in turn gives me an even more agonizing head ache, I could be sleeping but yet i still get up every sunday and watch the bengals struggle to play professional football.... I to am a douchebag

[jon]

I set my bengals banner on fire in my living room. My house burnt to the ground and I am homeless. I am an orange and black bag of douche.

[PhatRob]

"We played like a wet fart."

I just laughed so hard that *I* farted.

It's so painfully true.

[Fro]

I am a 5 year season ticket holder who just this summer painted my basement and 12 year old sons bedroom orange and black. I am a DOUCHEBAG!!!!

I survived the Freezer Bowl in the red seats with my dad back in the day and still cling to those memories of going to Bengals games at Riverfront Stadium. Oh how I miss the '80's; bad clothes, bad hair, great Bengals teams. Teams that could actually beat the Steelers.

All apologies to Paul Simon. "Where have you gone Boomer Esiason, Bengals Nation turns it's lonely eyes to you, Woo, Woo, Woo......" I am a DOUCHEBAG!!!

[braddeygoddamit]

im a fucking douchebag and proud ... i spent nearly 200$ on the fucking steelers game at paul brown this year (per ticket) and got kicked the fuck out for bein a lil to rowdy ... i wasnt even born in cinci ..... but im black an orange till the grave... i spent 200 bux on a black and orange kilt that i will be wearing to every game i go to from now on.... fuck the rest... who dey

oh,... and ps.....

FUCK THE STEELERS

[SanderHause]

I am a season ticket holder. I am going on a buS trip on Dec. 7th to Indy to watch the Bungles . I have turned my family of four into bengal fans. I have gone to away games once a year for the past three years.

I AM A D-BAG

[Paul Howell]

Alas, I am also a Bengal's fan that at the beginning of every season thinks we have a shot to make the playoffs. Why, I am not sure. I should know better by now. Maybe I am just a glutton for punishment? After all, I am a douche bag! SO, how big of a Douche Bag am I? I am still trying to justify to myself why I should retain my season tickets next year.... that's how big a douche bag I am!!!!

[GARY STROUP]

MY DAD WAS THE ORIGINAL DOUCHE-BAG IN OUR FAMILY. HE
USE TO USHER BENGALS GAMES IN 68 AT U.C.'s NIPPERT STADIUM. HE ALSO WENT TO THE BENGALS FIRST SUPER-BOWL.
IN 1990, AFTER ONE YEAR WITH MIKE BROWN AT THE HELM,
HE TURNED MY BROTHER AND ME INTO DOUCHE-BAGS BY LETTING US TAKE OVER HIS SEASON TICKETS. ( AND WE THOUGHT HE LOVED US). NOW 18 YEARS LATER OUR DOUCHE-BAGISM IS COMPLETE. OVER THE PAST SIX YEARS, WE HAVE EVEN DONE THE ROAD TRIP DEAL,(GB,JAC,INDY,TEN,NO,AND TO OUR UTTER DISMAY, PITSBURG. I AM STILL IN ANGER MANGMENT CLASSES AFTER THAT GAME. THE MOST HOSTILE FANS WE HAVE EVER BEEN EXPOSED TO, EVEN THE BOAT DOCK GUY. IF THEY WERE NUKED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH, WE WOULD CONSUME MUCH BEER. NOW BACK TO THE POINT, AS WE ARE COMPLETE DOUCHE-BAGS, I AM TRYING TO MAKE SURE THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO MY TWO BOYS, WISH ME LUCK.

[VegasKev]

I, too, am a douchebag. I have been the sole Bengal fan at the bar where I watch the weekly dismemberment. Once the schedule comes out, I decide where to go to see my one game live. Three years ago, it was New Orleans to see a victory! Last year, Seattle, with WAY overpriced seats on the twenty yard line, ten rows up. This year, the Browns v. Bengals game, four rows up on the ten. They only made it to my end of the field about three times. My car has the Bengals plate holder, my office has a Bengals helmet Fathead, and I get a new piece of Bengals-ware each year from my wonderful friend in Ohio Barb. (This year, it was the Bengals Santa hat!)

That being said, I waited all year long for football season. Basketball season finally ran its course (do we need friggin' 80-some odd basketball games? Absolutely not!), the Las Vegas valley finally tilted away from the sun, giving us desert dwellers some relief from the hundred and sixty eight degree heat, and it was again time for some Bengals action!!! I swear to god, three games in and I wanted it to end. And so I ask you, comrades... How long until Bengals season?

[Joseph Nordmeyer]

My Douchebag status was confirmed my junior year of high school. Jeff Blake came out of nowhere to take the league by storm with C. Pickens (a douche of epic proportions) and Darnay Scott. My grandparents mailed me a T-shirt with a likeness of Blake standing over a crumbling Riverfront Stadium that was emblazoned with "Shake n' Blake Quake" in HUGE letters. I proudly wore the shirt to school (I grew up in TN) and unknowingly proclaimed my douche status. I even had a cassette single of the "Shake n' Blake Quake" song, which I played in the solitude of my own home.

[**BengalsFaithful, Not Brown**]

I am 17 years old and I haven't missed watching a Benglas game in atleast 5 years. Not only was I at the Bengals-Browns game 3 days after I had an Appendectomy and could barely walk last year, but I also own 6 officially licensed jerseys and atleast $1000 worth of other bengals stuff. Also if anyone talks shit about my bengals I will fight them back till I turn black and orange. I am a total Bengals Dousch!

[**BengalsFaithful, Not Brown**]

Sadly I think it's only going to get worse when Katie Blackburn take it over. I think we're just all doomed douches. I know I won't desert my team though so I am proudly a lady douche

[Greg Colvin]

Hello, my name is Greg and I am a douchebag. I have been a Bengals fan all my life. I cried after the Bengals could not score in four downs from the one in '81 and nearly destroyed a friend's tv when Lewis Billups dropped the interception that would have won it for us in '89.

I've stood in a Columbus grocery store for two hours watching a tape of the second half of that same Super Bowl game that was mounted atop a beer display. Like watching the movie "Titanic" what did I expect would happen. Did I expect Billups might hold onto the ball and I would realize that I had passed out and the intervening years would be revealed to be a drug-induced hallucination.

This past weekend, I had come back to Cincy to visit family. I had gone to KY to get cigs and alcohol in anticipation of a drubbing at the hands of the Redskins and was almost back to my mother's condo in Milford when I was offered free tickets to the game. I am such a douchebag that even though it was 12:30, I drove to my brother-in-laws house to pick up the tickets and hurried back downtown, excited by the prospect of at least seeing the inside of PBS. I am actively encouraging my nephews incipient douchebaggery by having my father-in-law build the poor child a Bengals rocking chair. (Unlicensed of course. Screw you Mike Brown.)

And to all you Steelers punks who are posting on this site, I'll tell you the same thing I tell my mother-in-law, Puck Fittsburgh. Who-Dey forever.

[jake stoll]

I got two custom made Caleb Miller jerseys, then he got cut and i saw him working out at Urban Active. I am a Douche Bag

[Daniel Venrick]

I am 26 years old and, yes. I am a Bengals Douche Bag. I have only been to 3 bengal games in my life, but I have seen them on TV for as long as I can remember. I cried in 89 after watching the super bowl and furthered my hate for Joe montana. I was raised in Dayton Ohio, moved to fairborn, then to findlay, then a few other cities(Denver,NYC,SD to name a few)And now I'm back in findlay OH. I can come up with a long list of reasons why I am a douche bag. For starters, I used to do the ickey shuffle when I scored in backyard football all the way up to high school. I went to high school with Ben Roethlisberger and he used to make fun of me for being a bengals fan. He even got me thrown out of a bar in findlay for wearing a bengals jersey. My halloween costume last year was a giant inflatable penis with a Miami Redhawks Ben Roethlisberger jersey over it. I own custom RBK bengals shoes which I have had for two years now, and the lleather is gray from wearing them EVERYWHERE!!!, and now I have who dey written on them with screw roethlisberger on one shoe and beat pittsburgh on the other. The two away games I went to were:the one in Denver at the old mile high where Corey Dillon ran for a then single game record 278 yards and I was damn near killed after the game because I was wearing a Dillon jersey(which did not survive the assault from stark mad bronco fans) and we actually won(i think it was our first win that year, too), and also one in cleveland before they became the ravens(which we lost).I was almost killed after that game too. sad cause I was a tween then. The Home game I went to was at the old riverfront, when I was 10, and we lost to the steelers. I think I wore my Klingler jersey to that game.

Now for other things that verify the fact that I am a douche bag. I owned a David Klingler jersey. I also owned an Akili Smith jersey(I think I stated these facts in the boycott thread). I use a terrible towel to clean up vomit from binge drinking. I still own an Ocho jersey and a old ass logo 7 bengals jersey I've had since grade school(which I made my parents get it in adult XL so I can flash back to the glory days now. I watch them on the Sunday ticket or at the bar and drink anywhere from 12 to 30 beers every sunday depending on how bad they lose or the rare win. I usually call off work on monday afternoons when we do win. I also owned a Takeo Spikes jersey. and to close this, cause i'm rambling on how much I am a douche, I pleaded on the bengals.com message board that we franchise Madieu Williams instead of Stacy Andrews prior to the current season. I also pleaded for us to trade Ocho so we could at least have a shot at Sedrick Ellis or Vernon Gholston on the same message board.

My name is Dan Venrick, and I am a BENGALS DOUCHE BAG.

[Rob Litteral]

hopeless douchebag in eastern ky

[BorisTheSpider]

It is way too late in the game to switch teams, at any cost. My belief is that once you put your heart and soul into an NFL franchise, you are there for life and cannot get out, unless you're in the Mafia, in which case you get clipped. Myself, I am a confused and disgruntled Raiders fan living in the worst place possible, at a mile high (Denver) surrounded by Broncos douchebags. I have lots of Raiders' schwag in my comfy lair, but have run out of targets to throw my items in disgust at (my 42" flat screen was the latest victim) therefore I must sit and suffer in quiet dignity waiting for the sun to shine upon Raider Nation yet again. I can relate to and totally feel all the Bengals' fans pain, believe me. Hang in there, don't riot or cause malfeasance unless absolutely necessary, and perhaps the winds of change and fortune will blow your way someday. Peace.....I am OUT.

[BorisTheSpider]

By the way, I am a humongous douchebag beyond all belief.

[kiddicus maximus]

man, you guys are douchebags.

Go Browns!

what? oh. right.

Eff Pennsylvania!

[Bob Wehadababyitsaboy]

All you "douchebags" are pathetic. I hope you visit this post in the not so distance future and cringe at how fucking lame you all sound. Thank goodness for the internet archive.

[NC Bengal Mike]

I am a Magnum douchebag and so is my Yellow ab.

His Registered name is Otis Carson Palmer Who-Day annon.

He has douchbag puppies

[NC Bengal Mike]

Damn I can't spell.......

[siefert87]

I also have owned 5 jerseys, and also have the NIKE ID shoes! (my last jersey was a no. 15 HENRY jersey)

[Kel]

Alas, include me in the douchebag list. We had a better record than the Browns, yet I am still jealous of even them. It sucks bad.

[Cameron "ILiveInTheJungle" Brown]

Hi. My name is Cameron, and I am a douchebag.

I may not give in to such financial douche-baggery as some of you, but that's just cause I can't afford it. I am a poor douchebag, well under the poverty level (as are many in this country after the political douche-baggery of our almost defunct president). However, this does not make me any less of a douche.

My douche-ness started at a young age with my father. While I wasn't born a douche bag, being born outside of Chicago (guess that makes me a Bears douche bag by birth, not by choice), I moved to Cinci at the ripe age of 1. As far back as I can remember I've been a Bengals fan-er-douchebag. Some of my best memories of my father and I are the two of us yelling at refs and cheering on the team at our home. When the home games were blacked out we cursed bad ticket sales, but reveled when we knew it was an away game and would therefore be televised in Cinci.

Like so many others my fondest Bengals memory is the Superbowl XXIII battle, Wyche/Boomer/Woods/Collinsworth/Munoz/Krumrie against Walsh/Montana/Rice/Taylor/Craig. I was 12 and there was a big SB party. It was a blast. Everyone was doing the Icky shuffle. Shouts of, "Boomer! Boomer!", echoed off the walls on a regular basis. It was a great battle. It ended on such a sour note though. Like the other DB's on this list, I yearn for those 34 seconds back.

When people give me hell about being a bengals fan-er-douchebag, I just tell them that a real fan doesn't jump ship no matter how much they suck. This year my dad shocked the hell out of me when he told me he was no longer a fan. I was a bit devastated. The man who had instilled my love of the team is no longer a fan? As those of us cursed with this team do however, I still remain douche-baggedly steadfast.

Unfortunately for my daughter, I have continued the curse in my family. She lives in northwestern PA with her mom and down the street from my ex-mother-in-law (who is an avid Stillers fan and tries to instill this in my daughter, booo). She did me proud this year, at 5 years old, when the Bengals played the Steelers and she told her grandmother that she was rooting for the Bengals, much to meemaw's chagrin. I wasn't even in town at the time. That's my kid.

No matter their record. No matter the score. No matter the endless amounts of crap heaped on me by fans of better teams. I shall remain a douchebag, sport the stripes, cheer on my team, and know that I am a true douchebag!

I've enjoyed unloading all this baggage to people who can understand my pain. It's been cathartic.

Douchebag 4 Life
Cameron

p.s. I still curse the Steelers for breaking up Carson's knee & our hopes of another SB try. At least our QB has the common sense not to ride motorcycles without a helmet. He'll never truly recover from that. Now THAT is a true douchebag maneuver.
p.p.s. And to all those Stillers fans, Here Ya Go. It's easy to support a team like yours. It takes guts to stand proudly and call myself a douchebag Bengals fan.

[Adam]

I attend Miami University where there are unfortunately a lot of Big Bitch... I mean Ben fans. On the weekends I holler a "Who Dey" at anyone wearing Bengals gear. As the night gets later I yell it at Steelers or Browns fans. Then I get this down syndrome response mocking me along the lines of "Wehro Eh". This either means they're are indeed mentally slow for rooting for horrible teams or that I'm just a complete douche bag. Probably the latter