WhoDeyRevolution

The 5 Worst Bengal QB's of the Mike Brown Era

Some of you might have seen this already but pro-football reference recently put out a list on the worst QB’s of all time. I’m sure everybody out there in Bengaldom will be shocked to learn that some of our very own hometown heroes made the list. Unlike the folks over at pro-football reference, I didn’t use some fancy mathematical formula to create my list of the five worst Bengal QB’s of the Mike Brown era. I just used my substantial and ever expanding gut.

For my rankings I wanted guys the Bengals played because the organization thought this player provided the team with its best chance to win. I didn’t want guys who started out of necessity because injuries ahead of them on the depth chart forced them into action. Sadly this meant I had to cut Paul Justin, (you may remember Paul for having one of the best buckstaches of all time - even though he wasn’t from the Buckeye State - he deserves an honorary exemption for that magnificent thing) Erik Wilhelm, Scott Covington, Eric Kresser, and Don Hollis from the list.

So without further ado here is the five worst starting QB’s Mike Brown ever signed a pay check for:

Straight Cash Peko

Just when I thought the Bengals couldn't get any dumber, they go and do something like this... and totally F' themselves!

As if the first day of minicamp wasn't disconcerting enough, the Bengals felt that they needed to bellyflop into the proverbial pool (At least someone gets to use a diving board) by signing a megadeal for none other than our subpar DT Domato Peko. I'm not a statistician or anything, but shouldn't we be saving money for players that make the Bengals better (Housh)? Not players that "contributed" to a piss poor run defense. And especially ones that haven't improved since their rookie season.

In Peko's defense, he does have that flowing mane of hair that Mike Brown just can't resist. When it is cascading through Mikey's stubby hands he just can't think dollars and cents objectively. Chad should take note, grow your hair and feather it immediately if you want to negotiate with an advantage.

Moving away from the Domato debacle, Dede Dorsey was stretchered off the field yesterday while Chad was carried to the field on a litter. Dede hurt his groin, which could be season ending if you use Ahmad Brooks groin injury as an example of our trainers capabilities. So we'll probably take a flyer on Cedric Benson here any day now.

Chad couldn't practice due to menstral cramps and bloating. Apparently him and his agent/lover Drew Rosenhaus took several trips to the bathroom together to reapply each others tampons and adjust their makeup.

Bengal Hero: Harold Green

Part three of Bengal Heroes takes us back to near the beginning of the disastrous Mike Brown era when everything started to go wrong in Bengladom. The year was 1992, Dave Shula was coaching the Bengals to a 5-11 record, Anthony Munoz would play his last NFL game, and Boomer (he played terrible with a 57.0 QB rating that was the worst of his career) was replaced as the starting quarterback by David Klingler (the rookie showed just how bright his future would be sporting a 66.3 QB Rating). Amidst all the doom and gloom the Bengals lone ray of sunshine that year was running back, Harold Green. 

The Superbowl Champion Cincinnati Bengals. Why Not?

Here's why the Bengals are going to win the Superbowl next season.  This is my story and I’m sticking to it at least until they lose week 1 to the Ravens.

-2008 is the year where everything is going to go right just once (yes i've now sunk to the "we are due" theory it's really all I have left so be nice).

-The offensive line will stay healthy (there is no doubt in my mind that the season hinges on the O-line being great which is why I’ve deluded myself into liking franchising Stacey Andrews) and provide stability for Carson so that he can throw for 4,000yds and 30tds. 

-The offense will be a top-5 offense that finishes games off behind a strong running game anchored by the reappearance of a healthy fresh Chris Perry (that we ever thought of signing the undead corpse of Shaun Alexander will be a distant afterthought). 

-Chad will be dancing in endzones across America while T.J. and Ben Utecht convert key third downs all season long. 

-The rookie receivers will replace most of Henry's production, and Rudi might even decide that he wants to break tackles again (Geoff Hobson tells me its going to happen so why not just pretend, it's easier trust me).

Mike Brown Unhappy With Cincinnati

Mike Brown went public yesterday with his misgivings against the city of Cincinnati at a press conference held on his diamond-encrusted zeppelin flying high above the tri-state.

“Cincinnati has skated by far too long for me to stand pat and do nothing about it,” Brown said while eating a foot long hot dog topped with gold-flaked caviar. “I am going to take my Bengals and my Stadium to Kentucky if the city can’t allocate a measly 500 million for stadium renovations and a fitting monument to me and my daughter for our heroic deeds the last 17 years. After all I’ve given to Cincinnati; it is a slap in the face that the legislature and the taxpayers will give nothing back. Not one iota of respect.”

“What kind of greedy town is this that I, a lowly and cash strapped businessman, is forced to foot the bill for a team that the city’s name is on.” Brown surmised before opening his wallet and showing he only had 3 one million dollar bills inside. “I wouldn’t complain about these sorts of slights if the name of the team was the Brown Bengals. But it isn’t.”

“I would have traded Chad Johnson yesterday if the city was willing to pay the salary cap hit, plus interest of course.” Brown said before casually kicking a toddler out the window of the Zeppelin. “Ooh, I’m a city councilman; I have more important things to worry about than a six story statue of Mike Brown gloriously leading an attack onto Ohio Beach. Ooh, look at me.”

The West Side announced today that it has begun construction on a soon to be used mausoleum for Brown.

Bengal Hero: Tremain Mack

Chris Henry, Odell, Frostee Rucker, etc. are not the first character risks the Bengals have taken.  The Bengals have been taking huge character risks in the draft for quite some time now.  Obviously Mike Brown loves the draft value of a guy who’s slipped a round or four because of their giant red character flags.  Tremain Mack was the epitome of this.  Mike must have loved him some T-Mack because how else can a quote like this be explained.

Tremain's a very likable guy," said Mike Brown, Bengals owner/general manager. "But to read the media accounts a year ago, you would think he and John Dillinger were cellmates.  (What??? John Dillinger???  Who the hell is that???  Ohhhh, a famous bank robber from the Great Depression, what a hip reference for the end of the 20th century.  Now if Mike had said T-Mack would have been a great getaway driver then I would have loved it)

Tremain Mack was drafted out of the U by the Bengals in the 4th round of the 1997 NFL draft (Another paragon of morals values Corey Dillon was also taken by the Bengals in this draft). This Hurricane was rated as a first round talent at the time but somehow T-Mack slipped to the 111th pick of the draft.  While the rest of the NFL seemingly took him off their draft boards the Bengals apparently saw a talent that just couldn’t be ignored. Now you might be wondering why the rest of the NFL didn’t want to draft T-Mack.  After all he was 1st team All Big East and a special teams dynamo at Miami. Well I’m going to go out on a limb and say the answer probably had something to do with T-Mack’s SIX alcoholic related arrests in his 4 years as a Hurricane and that even BUTCH DAVIS suspended him because of a DUI.  Now in all fairness to the Bengals they apparently claimed they didn’t know the severity of T-Mack’s problems.  I guess the Bengals three scouts not related to the Brown family missed that little nugget. 

But just for now I’m going to ignore all the Bengals idiocy and mismanagement because quite simply T-Mack was the best Bengals kick returner of my lifetime. His best season was 1999 when T-Mack led the AFC in kick returning average and set a Bengal club-record averaging 27.1 yards per return.  This season was made even more amazing because T-Mack didn’t play in the first four games of the season after shockingly being suspended by Commissioner Tagliabue after another DUI arrest.  T-Mack’s off-season conditioning program consisted of spending his summer locked up in the Hamilton County Jail (Jamal Lewis has nothing on T-Mack).  So when he came out for the 5th game of the 1999 season he came out blazing.  Personally I loved Tremain Mack because on every kick off (and there were lots of kicks to return in 1999 as the Bengals started 1-10 on their way to another 4-12 season while they closed Riverfront Stadium in style) I imagined special teams coach Al Roberts telling him to just pretend like he was running from the law.  It must have worked because T-Mack ran so well from the law in 1999 that he was chosen as the AFC’s kick returner in the Pro-Bowl. From county jail to Honolulu all in span of one season. Simply amazing!!!

Sadly as you may have heard T-Mack didn’t have a happy ending with the Bengals.  T-Mack could only run from the law for so long.  He continued to rack up DUI’s at a record pace including one that would have made Bob Huggins proud when the Cincinnati police arrested Mack after finding him sleeping behind the wheel of a car at 3:45 a.m. Surprisingly the cops got suspicious after Mack's vehicle had been parked in the middle of a Clifton intersection for at least an hour.  This Huggins style arrest came two years after WLWT-TV (Channel 5) caught Mack on tape driving to and from Paul Brown Stadium with a suspended license, from the two DUI charges he’d already picked up in Hamilton County. That was great piece of Cheaters style investigative journalism, but the Bengals front office was not pleased with the report referring to the report as a sting operation (more importantly where was channel 5 when we needed them to follow Chris Henry around? you know you would have watched it).  After some more jail time T-Mack was done with the NFL but on the Brightside seems to have cleaned up his life eventually suiting up for the Arena Football San Jose SaberCats. 

But I’ll always remember T-Mack as a bald headed demon who ran like the he heard police sirens blaring behind him.  For T-Mack was running from the law and into the hearts of Bengal fans everywhere. Tremain Mack a Bengal Hero.

T-Mack is the second in what hopes to be a long series of Bengal Hero profiles.  (If you missed part one you can read all about Jeff Query’s glorious 1993 season right here.) 

Join the revolution here

Cincinnati Bengals = Charlie Kelly?

Living outside Cincinnati, my pronounced allegiance to the Bengals is usually met by the common NFL fan with a combination of suspicion and pity.  It's a little like trying to get out of a test at school by telling your teacher you have to go to your Great Aunt's funeral - the teacher really doesn't believe you, but just to cover their bases, they give you a gentle pat on the back and a few reassuring words. 

Once confirming that, in fact, I am an actual Bengals fan, the prevailing sentiment turns to outright pity ("I am so sorry that the Bengals ruined your childhood") and then usually to merriment ("Man, the Bengals defense sucks, but Chad Johnson is hilarious!").

The standard NFL fan (AFC North rivals excluded) generally have no ill will towards the Bengals. Why? The Bengals are popular to other teams’ fans because we are not a real threat to beat their team. They are the fun-loving high scoring team who are fun to watch on TV and an easy week on the schedule for the top NFL teams.

I am fed up with the Bengals being the lovable losers who score points and have players who are famous for creative dances and innovative lists. I would much rather the Bengals be the team everyone hates because the team is consistently a Super Bowl threat, like the Patriots, Cowboys and Steelers. 

It reminded me of the back and forth on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Basically, the Bengals are like the kid who was popular in high school because they weren’t a threat to the cool kids’ girlfriends.

Dennis Reynolds: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis Reynolds:  No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie Kelly: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.

Happy 41st Birthday JEFF QUERY

The man, the myth, the legend, Jeff Lee Query was born March 7, 2007, and is the first of hopefully many profiles of amazing Bengal Single Season Hero Performances.

 

Query looks like he wants to punch Klinger in the head

Jeff Query played parts of 4 glorious seasons as a Cincinnati Bengal, and contrary to popular belief he was more than just the proud owner of the greatest Kentucky Waterfall this side of Andre Agassi. (One can only imagine how big a heartthrob Query was around the greater Cincitucky area)  People forget but for one amazing season Jeff Query was a damn fine NFL wide receiver.  The year was 1993 and rumor has it that his wallowing around in the toxic waste that surrounded Spinney Field gave him superhuman abilities. Nothing else could explain these new found powers that led Jeff Query to flat-out dominante opponents during the Bengals fall 1993 campaign. That the Bengals went 3-13 that year is but a minor side note to Query's virtuso performance. In 1993 Jeff Query was unstoppable as he amassed 56 catches for 654 yards at 11.7ypc to go along with 4 big TD grabs.

Just take a look at his game log from the season:

Regular Season Games Receiving Rushing Fumbles WK Game Date Opp Result G GS Rec Yds Avg Long TD Att Yds Avg Lng TD FUM Lost 1 09/05 @ CLE L   14-27 1 1 3 80 26.7 51 0 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 2 09/12 IND L   6-9 1 1 4 44 11.0 13 0 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 3 09/19 @ PIT L   7-34 1 1 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 4 09/26 SEA L   10-19 1 1 6 59 9.8 17 0 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 5 Bye -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 6 10/10 @ KC L   15-17 1 1 3 69 23.0 25 0 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 7 10/17 CLE L   17-28 1 1 4 32 8.0 11T 1 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 8 10/24 @ HOU L   12-28 1 1 5 45 9.0 18 1 1 5 5.0 5 0 -- -- 9 Bye -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 10 11/07 PIT L   16-24 1 1 6 48 8.0