Tonight, the 13th season of South Park continues on Comedy Central at
10:00 p.m. If that doesn’t rock your face off, I’m not sure that we
can be friends. Hey, it’s not like we didn’t try, right?
Even if you are a fan, you may not have noticed the startling resemblances between some of our favorite (or most hated) Bengal figures and the characters on South Park. So, in honor of the debut, I’ve decided to show my fellow revolutionaries these similarities.
Carson Palmer - Stan Marsh. Good natured, smart, and funny. He’s the popular kid in school that still finds a way to make everyone like him. A disturbing tendency to feel the pressure in big spots (Carson down the stretch in ‘06, Stan when talking to Wendy).
TJ Houshmandzadeh - Kyle Broflovski. The rock of both teams. You literally can’t imagine either side without these two, as they’ve become so important to each. Oh wait, maybe you can (full disclosure: I’m against giving TJ big time money.).
Chad Johnson - Eric Cartman. For better or worse, these guys are the face of the franchise for most ill informed outsiders. Both seem harmless until you step back and realize what the hell it is they’re actually saying. Terrifyingly stupid. Like Mr. Johnson, Eric Cartmenez recently gave himself a Latin surname.
Levi Jones - Chef. There was a time when you couldn’t think of either franchise without thinking of these two. Now one has been killed off and the other offends my eye sockets every Sunday.
Jonathan Joseph - Towelie. He just wants to get a little high.
Robert Geathers - Kenny McCormick. Despite an enormous amount of screen time for both, they are rarely heard from. Those rare occasions are almost always flashes of brilliance, but you get the feeling neither will ever gain a true starring role.
Marvin Lewis - The Succubus. Like Marvin and Bengal fans, the relationship between Chef and the Succubus got off to a great start. At the end, all she wants to do is take Chef’s soul and suck the joy out of everything. However, we can’t sing a song in reverse and get rid of Marvin. Oh, how I’ve tried.
Chris Henry - Woodland Christmas Critters. On the surface, they should be loved by all. Henry is as talented as the critters are cute. Down below, both have a darker side which masks their true talents. (Note: I don’t think they are at all like Chris Henry. I just needed a reason to include them. They raped Kurt Russell for God’s sake. How awesome is that?)
Odell Thurman - Kenny’s dad. One is a redneck alcoholic from the sticks who does a lot of meth and beats women. The other is a cartoon character.
Bob Bratkowski - Officer Barbrady. Wikipedia describes Barbady as a, “…police officer who is extremely incompetent at what he does and is generally a bumbling oaf…” Replace police officer with offensive coordinator, and don’t you have Brat to a T?
Ahmad Brooks - Manbearpig. A mythical beast created by Al Gore. In reality, nothing to worry about.
Rashad Jeanty - Ike Broflovski. Ike is a Canadian import who brings nothing to the table and is decidedly below average in every way. Sound familiar?
Eric Ghiacuic - Cartman's mom. Both are jarringly incompetant at their jobs and spend a ton of airtime on their backs.
The Bengals Scouting Department are the underpant gnomes.
Step one is stealing the underpants. Step two is blank. And step three is profits.
Sort of like step one for the Bengals scouts is draft a player. Step two is blank. And step three we're a good team.
Posted by: Chase F | October 08, 2008 at 05:42 PM
Gotta go to work, work all day, work for the underpants gnomes
Posted by: Showtime | October 08, 2008 at 06:05 PM
Mike Brown is like Cartman's trapper keeper 1000, I'm not sure how, but it makes sense in my head.
Butters is the Bengals Fanbase. Always gets screwed in the end and gets grounded by his parents.
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave are our playcalling. We know whats coming from these two and we aren't going to like it.
Posted by: Chase F | October 08, 2008 at 06:24 PM
damn, chase stole it right from under me.
Posted by: Vladidouche Lenin | October 08, 2008 at 10:32 PM
You see... I always thought Chad was more like Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo... You're guaranteed one good episode/game a season complete with a funny little song and dance, but other than that, he's just gonna smear sh*t all over the place and fu*k everything up.
Posted by: Who Che | October 08, 2008 at 11:09 PM
Shelley Marsh is the Pittsburgh Steelers because they always kick our ass.
Posted by: Bob Saratoga | October 08, 2008 at 11:18 PM
Hue Jackson is Kitty......2005 playoffs, halftime, no kitty thats a bad kitty ( MEOW!!), while in a headlock!
Posted by: JMo | October 09, 2008 at 09:32 PM