Steely McBeam Playing Card

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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble
IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

September 15, 2008

Steely You can learn a lot about Steely McBeam from the back of his playing card.

Place Of Birth: West Virginia

Parents: Bill Cowher and a sheep

Favorite Thing To Do In Pittsburgh: Carrying a big piece of iron around, hoping upon hope to find an ironworking job.

Relationship Status: I love me some Hines Ward. I love my iron beam. Why, you ask? Because the iron beam isn't going to be able to love itself. And whenever Kordell comes in town I have to get me some hot Slash action.

What do you like to do when you aren't carrying the iron beam around: Kidnap children and insert them into Cowher's lucrative slave labor ring in the Carribean.

Favorite part about yourself: My eyes. Look into them and you will feel the awesome power of an evil mascot bearing down on your soul.

Posted by Sly Vramavomovich on September 15, 2008 at 11:09 AM in Pittsburgh: Where Bad People Deserve Their Shitty Lives | Permalink

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Worst mascot ever. Yet, their team wins every year, thanks to teams like the Browns and Bengals.

Posted by: David Klingler | September 15, 2008 at 04:16 PM

Please note that I have changed my name to the above.

Posted by: Steely McDouche | September 15, 2008 at 05:38 PM

and by above...I mean below. Yes, I am stupid.

Posted by: Steely McDouche | September 15, 2008 at 05:39 PM

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Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

.359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)

29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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September 15, 2008