Bengals High Powered Offense...are you mad at me?

Dear Bengals High Powered Offense,
Hi!!! Long time no see.  I just wanted to write and see how you are doing.  I haven't seen or heard too much from you in the last few weeks, so I was starting to get worried.  Are you mad at me?  Did I do something wrong?  Please talk to me.

It seemed like just yesterday that we were all one big happy family.  You went out and scored a bunch of touchdowns and I sat at the Bottom Line, every Sunday cheering and laughing and having the time of my life!

Then, all of a sudden, without even so much as an explanation,  you disappeared.  Did you find someone else?  Are you scoring touchdowns for someone else???  Why have you become so distant?  I just want things to go back to the way they were.

What can I do to help?  I have already given you my money (in apparel, tickets, and other Bengals related items), my time (sitting at the bar every Sunday for the last few years, spending countless hours reading and writing about you on the internet), and my dignity ( I wear a life sized tiger suit to the Bottom Line).  What else do you want???  Please talk to me.

I know things have not been great lately, but we can work through it. Remember the good old days when it was Carson and Chad...(Oh Chad and his crazy antics) and TJ and Rudi.  There was Willie and Levi and Richie and Steinbach.  Those were the happiest times of our football lives.

What could I have done to make you this mad?  You know you are the only offense for me.  I know there were those rumors going around about me liking the Browns but I swear NOTHING HAPPENED.  Those were just lies spread to make you mad.  You know I would never cheat on you, especially with anything from Cleveland.  It makes me feel dirty just thinking about it.

We have been together for what seems like forever.  I have always put you first, and what have you given me?  Nothing.  You give me glimmers of hope, but what does that really mean?  Why are you so afraid to commit?

I'm willing to give you another chance.  We can both start clean.  I can overlook the fact that you haven't given me a playoff win in 17 years.  I can overlook the fact that you have been to the playoffs just once in that time.  I can even overlook the fact that you consistently make the same mistakes game after game after game after game and an 8 year old English soccer fan could develop a playbook to stop you.  I am willing to do this because I care.

I care but I need you to know that it is becoming difficult.  I need you to figure out how much you are willing to give me.  I can't do this forever because it just hurts too much.  I hate being sad every Sunday.  Having to read all of the articles on Monday about how you are "getting better" even after a loss.  I am sick of no one taking responsibility for the bad play calling and the worse execution.

I am telling you all of this because I care.  I care about you.  I want things to go back to the way they were.  Back to a happier time.  So Bengals High Powered Offense please...come back.  Show me that you still care. 

XOXO,
Matt

Comments

[Sly Vramamovavich]

Will there be a follow up where you leave a series of alternately angry and pleading voicemails?

[Mike Peters]

Mike: Hi, uh, Nikki, this is Mike. I met you at the, um, at the Dresden tonight. I just called to say that I had a great time... and you should call me tomorrow, or in two days, whatever. Anyway, my number is 213-555-4679 -
[the machine beeps]
Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up]
Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike again. I just called cuz it sounded like your machine might've cut me off when I, before I finished leaving my number. Anyway, uh, and, y'know, and also, sorry to call so late, but you were still at the Dresden when I left so I knew I'd get your machine. Anyhow, uh, my number's 21 -
[the machine beeps]
Mike: [Mike calls back; the machine picks up again]
Mike: 213-555-4679. That's it. I just wanna leave my number. I didn't want you to think I was weird or desperate, or... we should just hang out and see where it goes cuz it's nice and, y'know, no expectations. Ok? Thanks a lot. Bye bye.
[hangs up]
Mike: [Mike walks away from the phone... then walks back and calls again; once again, the machine picks up]
Mike: I just got out of a 6-year relationship, Ok? That should help explain why I'm acting so weird. I just wanted you to know that. It's not you, it's me. I'm sorry... This is Mike.
[hangs up]
Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up again]
Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike. Could you just call me when you get in? I'm gonna be up for awhile and I'd just rather speak to you in person instead of trying to fit it all into -
[the machine beeps]
Mike: Fuck!
[Mike calls back, gets the machine again]
Mike: Uh, Nikki? Mike. It's uh, uh, it's just, uh, this just isn't working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It's not you, it's me. It's what I'm going through, alright? It's uh... it's only been 6 months ...
Nikki: [picks up] Mike?
Mike: [very cheerful] Nikki? Great! Did you just walk in or were you listening all along?
Nikki: Don't ever call me again.
[hangs up]
Mike: Wow. I guess you're home.

[andy]

Bengals suck

[andy]

If you dumbass Bengal fans bitch one more time about how they suck I'm going to lose my mind!!!! The reason they suck is because idiots like you keep going to the games, buying the shirts, watching the games, wearing the jerseys, etc. etc. When are you going to quit being an idiot and realize that Mike Brown doesn't care if they win or lose....All he wants is money from you guys because he knows you are idiots and will spend your money not only for 20 years, but for 20 more years even though they SUUUUUCK!!!!! I used to support them until I got smart and realized that we will NEVER have a good team as long as Mike Brown is in charge. It is really sad...Please quit spending your hard earned money on a false hope. Please Bengal fans, GET A LIFE and quit going to these games and supporting this wannabe football team... Andrew Deeter Miamisburg, OH. Drew228@aol.com