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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

  • Preamble

    IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the seventeen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

    Introduction

    WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

    Manifesto Demands

    THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

    THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

    THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

    THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

    THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

    THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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July 02, 2008

"There's No Hope with Dope!"

For the first time since the summer of 2001, rational Bengals fans have no real hope of a special season from the Nati 53.  The defense is still a huge question mark (specifically the pass rush), the running game is hinging on Rudi Johnson getting back to 2005 form (remember it's 2008), and Chad Johnson might torpedo the season with another meltdown.  With the stench of 2007 still lingering, let's take a look back at how Bengals fans convinced themselves that this would undoubtedly be the year. 

Summer of 2002:  Following the 2001 season when the Bengals won six games (most victories since 1997) and won their final two games over Pittsburgh and Tennessee, hopes were high that 2002 was finally the year the Bengals would make it back to the playoffs.  Remember, 2001 was the year the Bengals went into the bye at 4-3, then lost seven straight to submarine any dreams of the playoffs.  Interesting that the Bengals beat the eventual Super Bowl Champion Patriots in Week 1, then knocked off the high flying Steelers in a surreal overtime game that featured a botched game-winning extra-point by Neil Rackers in regulation. 

Summer of 2003:  After the disaster that was the worst season in franchise history (2-14), the Bengals finally went outside the organization and hired the architect of arguably the greatest defense in NFL history. Marvin Lewis came to town and drafted Carson Palmer, then the Bengals went out had their first serious draft since the Paul Brown days.   Lewis took the city by storm, and urged fans to bring back the Jungle, and sell out the season opener against Denver.  Cincinnati fans obliged, but watched a 30-10 drubbing that reminded fans too much of the past. 

Summer of 2004:  The Bengals still had a chance to win the division on the last weekend of the season, and only an egg laying the size of Dolly Parton's ta ta's prevented the Bengals from putting enormous pressure on the Ravens as they hosted Pittsburgh later that evening.  However, the Bengals went 8-8 and Cincinnati was thrilled to have NFL football back after a 13 year hiatus.  Carson Palmer was named the starter by Lewis prior to mini-camp, and everyone was excited to see what Palmer could do with Johnson, Warrick, and company.

Summer of 2005:  Bengals fans endured the growing pains of Carson Palmer in 2004 until Week 13 against Baltimore, when the lights came on and Palmer led an amazing 4th quarter comeback.  The Bengals again won the final two games of the season against the Giants and Eagles, and are ready to take command in 2005 with a favorable early schedule.

Summer of 2006:  We all know the story, the Bengals make the playoffs for the first time since 1990, Palmer goes down in the second Bengals play from scrimmage, all hell breaks loose in the locker room at halftime, and the Bengals get trounced in the second half.  The 2006 season was all about payback for what could have been in 2005...Palmer worked like a mad man to be ready for the opener, and his performance in the preseason showed that he can still play at a high level (despite not being at 100%). 

Summer of 2007:  Following the roller coaster of 2006, Bengals fans see one or two (or more) plays that prevented the Bengals from being back in the playoffs...whether it's the botched extra point in Denver, or the phantom roughing the passer in Tampa, or the second half letdown against the Chargers, or the shanked field goal against the Steelers.  8-8 could have easily been 10-6, so fans are revved up for a completely healthy Carson Palmer in 2007 and a home opener on Monday Night Football against the division rival Ravens. 

Summer of 2008:  Now we come to the present.  2007 was a year of supreme underachievement, bickering in the locker room, and proof that this organization has no direction from the top.   Chad Johnson nearly wrecked the 2008 season before it started, the Bengals signed Antwan Odom to replace the departed Justin Smith, but will he help a pathetic pass rush?  Bengals linebackers have not played together for even one game, let alone a season...and the safety positions are turning over to second year players.  On offense, the Bengals are hoping for the Rudi Johnson of old, the Chris Perry from Michigan, and the Kenny Irons before his torn ACL.  With a brutal schedule before the bye that includes two trips to Giants Stadium, a trip to Dallas, and a visit from the Steelers, it looks like six wins for a team that was supposed to have one or two Super Bowls by now will be an accomplishment. 

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Johnny Dakota was one of the most promising artists of the early 1990s - it's too bad that his whole career got washed away when he got addicted to dope.

It's remarkable how little optimism I feel despite having Carson at the helm. Do you think the elders in the Rooney family tell their little ones things like, "if you don't eat your vegetables, you'll become like the Brown family one day."

In related news, I'm drunk, and sleeping a few blocks from the Super Dome in New Orleans. Remember when the Saints took both the DT prospects we could have gotten in this year's draft? That was not awesome.

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Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

  • 17 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

    0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

    .348 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (97-181 in 17 seasons)

    15-23 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

    6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

    0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

    10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

    32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

    458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

    2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

    6 3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

    747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

    118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

    97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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