WhoDeyRevolution: ESPN Bengals Checkup

Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble
IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the seventeen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

June 26, 2008

ESPN Bengals Checkup

ESPN.com is running a checkup on every NFL team post mini camp. The Bengals checkup is posted here. As expected, 433 words are devoted to a topic I swore off. That leaves a paltry 279 words about the rest of the team. While most of the article was just rehashed garbage, there was one sentence that got me thinking.

James Walker writes, "(Rudi) Johnson packed on 15 pounds of muscle to increase his durability and is running like the Johnson of old in early practices. Last year he slimmed down to increase his speed, but that turned out to be a mistake because his body took a pounding."

At first glace, I thought great Rudi will get better. Then I thought, "Do we really want Rudi 15 pounds heavier, and slower?" I guess the Bengals want to go back to Rudi getting the ball 25 times for 95 yards. Great.

Posted by LeRoy Jenkins on June 26, 2008 at 09:59 AM | Permalink

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I hear Rudi and the Bengals are thinking of cutting his legs off and giving him those hydraulic legs the track and field guy has. Fast and cuts down on injuries. All you would have to do is take him to an auto mechanic for tune-ups and shit.

Posted by: Sly Vramavomovich | June 26, 2008 at 11:44 AM

That should be a running thing. The percentage of any Bengals column dedicated to Chad. BUT the article can't be Chad specific, it'd have to be about the Bengals. This was 60.8%

Posted by: Tom Pellegrino | June 27, 2008 at 09:14 AM

Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

17 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

.348 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (97-181 in 17 seasons)

15-23 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

6 3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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June 26, 2008

ESPN Bengals Checkup

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