WhoDeyRevolution: Cincinnati Bengals = Charlie Kelly?

Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble
IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the seventeen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

March 18, 2008

Cincinnati Bengals = Charlie Kelly?

Living outside Cincinnati, my pronounced allegiance to the Bengals is usually met by the common NFL fan with a combination of suspicion and pity. It's a little like trying to get out of a test at school by telling your teacher you have to go to your Great Aunt's funeral - the teacher really doesn't believe you, but just to cover their bases, they give you a gentle pat on the back and a few reassuring words.

Once confirming that, in fact, I am an actual Bengals fan, the prevailing sentiment turns to outright pity ("I am so sorry that the Bengals ruined your childhood") and then usually to merriment ("Man, the Bengals defense sucks, but Chad Johnson is hilarious!").

The standard NFL fan (AFC North rivals excluded) generally have no ill will towards the Bengals. Why? The Bengals are popular to other teams’ fans because we are not a real threat to beat their team. They are the fun-loving high scoring team who are fun to watch on TV and an easy week on the schedule for the top NFL teams.

I am fed up with the Bengals being the lovable losers who score points and have players who are famous for creative dances and innovative lists. I would much rather the Bengals be the team everyone hates because the team is consistently a Super Bowl threat, like the Patriots, Cowboys and Steelers.

It reminded me of the back and forth on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Basically, the Bengals are like the kid who was popular in high school because they weren’t a threat to the cool kids’ girlfriends.

Dennis Reynolds: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis Reynolds: No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie Kelly: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.

Posted by Brosef Stalin on March 18, 2008 at 10:33 AM in Commitment to Win a Super Bowl - Manifesto Demand #6, Intelligent Player Personnel Decisions - Manifesto Demand #4, Why the Bengals Ruined My Childhood | Permalink

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Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

17 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

.348 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (97-181 in 17 seasons)

15-23 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

6 3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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March 18, 2008

Cincinnati Bengals = Charlie Kelly?

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